This is completely insane. I'm, I think I'm losing it today. completely. I'm sat here typing, disorientated and covered in sweat, and I wish I was kidding about it. The truth is, I haven't slept for two nights. Not a wink. I went for a 3 hour ramble this morning to try and shake it off, and pull myself together. But, no. I did feel pretty good during the walk. But now I feel so so disorientated and sleepy, my eyes are groggy and i don't even know what day it is. I'm not sure what is going on. But this is truth, and I write only my truth here.
The other things though, are my promise. I swore to myself, and someone else that I will see them this weekend. This means a two and a half hour drive, which I am alright with. Only, something's not right with me. I'm fatigued already before I set off. And I'm scared. Nervous, and worried. I feel as though I've lost either way. I stay and try to rest, take care of myself, and it becomes just another let-down excuse. A combination of me procrastinating and worrying. If I go, I may fall asleep at the wheel, fall asleep on their couch, have a break down or whatever. I might be being dramatic. But I don't feel with it at all. I'm curled up in bed wondering whether to turn left or right, and I don't know which way is the direction.
I think the other thing that is causing me to edge into the abyss, is my worries over my accounting. It is something that requires attention and is always there at the forefront of my mind. I'm worried that I may not complete it on time. But it just becomes another excuse. And I'm scared.
It's been chaotic, the last ten days. And I don't think I'm on the ground with it. Forgive me. But I'm dripping with sweat and shivering. And, I can't conclude why. Relationship pressure: will she think bad of me? I have a very low self-image lately, and I think the ultra-hot girl has made me look in the mirror a bit, and question my own place on the ladder. I'm really not that good looking. I'm lanky, and weird, and well, odd. I..I...I...I just don't know. I've never dated an older, smarter, financially secure, stable, beautiful, skilled, professional go-getter before. And I feel out of my depth. I'm anxious like Woody Allen on heroin cold turkey...If Woody Allen ever was an addict to anything. But this is me. I'm losing it. I'm a loser. Oh dear God..... And I've seen her naked, and she's hot. And...And..And...I'm poor and she's really not. And she's beautiful, and I'm a worrying geek, with no credentials apart from an ability to score 9 letter words on Countdown. I'm just not making much sense. Oh God, oh god oh god oh fuck fuck fuck.
I need to sleep a little while, and assess how my body is when it wakes up from this mid-afternoon nap. Oh lord, it's looking rather bad... Forgive me.