Where does the 800lb Gorilla sit?
- Anywhere it fucking wants to.
There are things that can't be understood. Things that allow us to be free, yet at the same time, damage the world around us. Beauty can be covered in thorns. Asking for transparency in the world is a hopeful proposition, yet it is the natural human ability to plaster over our scars and fallibilities that affects all around us at a later time. Some people get lucky, and manage to disguise their errs. Others are not so fortunate.
My world is a dark fairy-tale. Filled with beauty and kindness, kisses and affection, charity and love. But also sadness and counselling, hope and worry. Walking on eggshells is how it seems. When you're looking round as you close the cupboard door, with worry that it may not be closed correctly. Or wincing, and mentally asking the vacuum cleaner to suck more quietly because you feel it's going to get you in trouble. Or, scratching your head in confusion when you are requested not to call the plumber when the boiler has broken and it's -3 outside, and doing so will bring scowls or tears or rage.
When do you hold the right to ask questions? Is it when your grief and unhappiness is caused when you feel asking questions is required? I don't know. Tears and tantrums. I don't understand instability. Yet, I'm afraid to ask about the elephant in the room, on the grounds that it may place me in the mire. I've got to wait for the cards to be dealt, truth to be presented, bottom to be hit. The middle road that leads you to your little sail boat, alone in the big choppy ocean. Steer against the crashing waves and you will make it to dry land. That dry land may be an island that has no sustenance. All you can eat, but sand and salt water. Don't ask! How dare you ask! Don't do it! Shut up! Leave it! Stop! Go! Don't! No! No! No! And all you're trying to do is pour a cup of tea.
What am I doing wrong, that's not within my own situation, limitations and capabilities?
Walking on eggshells.
There's an alephant in the room.